Has anyone else noticed how extremely difficulty it is to cultivate quality relationships and make real friends after forty? Between the day to day grind, mid life divorces, and starting and running businesses… it’s really hard, like pulling teeth…a wisdom tooth! Except for the occasional times when I meet people during a shared hobby or business interest, it seems almost impossible. I know..I know “they” say this is supposed to be the best way to meet potential friends, and life partners, but I’ve found these interactions to be a bit superficial for the most part. Women have shared with me how difficult it is to connect with other women, if they’re not married or attached. It appears that most married women do not, or will not connect with other women outside of a superficial relationship, if said woman isn’t married or in a committed relationship herself.
The single ones, well most are way to consumed with competing, to cultivate solid friendships. I’ve experienced this first hand, and find it to be true. If your life was anything like mines coming of age, the discussion in the beauty parlor was always the same,”don’t trust women at all”. They are guilty by default, and it was only a matter of time before they’ll betray you. This is sad, but so true. There are so many women missing out on amazing connections, and friendships because of this conditioning.
Being a blogger, I find that a lot of creatives are just focused on themselves and winning (don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about being hyper focused on self, until its BAD..lol). I’ve also noticed that the millennials are connecting, supporting one another, building life long friendships, and collaborating their asses off in the blogging industry..the forty, fifty plus creatives..not so much. So I’m starting to wonder..is it a forty plus issue? Do we feel some since of urgency because of our age? Does this cause some of us to be insecure, and believe that there’s not enough business, men or opportunities for us all?
I’ve found myself being a tad bit naive in the past, thinking that all the people that I was meeting on this journey really liked me as a human being, and that I was building life long partnerships and friendships..not! Listen I’m no cream puff, but my feelings have been hurt a couple of times. I know some of you might be thinking, maybe its personal…maybe it’s her (meaning your girl), well I can assure you it’s not (insert side eye emoji). I’ve always been a girls girl..that will never change. When women come together to support, and nature one another through solid friendship..we are unstoppable.
Also being a woman that found herself single in her forties a few years back, it brings to question..when the ink has dried on the divorce papers, or you’ve just said adios to that super long term relationship..it might be clear who gets the kids, but who gets the friends in the split? Now I know most will say that if they were your real friends, they will still be around after the breakup. I know from experience, it’s not always that cut and dry. As some of you might know, we can acquire some “friends” by default in marriages and relationships. They came along with your spouses friends or family..kinda like a plus one. They are the mate to your spouses friend, or perhaps their siblings mate, who knows..all that matters is that you really like them, and they have become your friends. Well, let me say this, there are casualties during war, and even during the most amicable breakups, we can loose people. I believe that some just don’t know how to remain in a good place with both parties separately, so they take the L (lost) and go ghost (they disappear).
I could go on, and on about my experiences with making friends after forty, but I won’t. I’m going to appreciate and cherish the amazing friends that I have. I’m going to trust that whomever is supposed to be in my life for more than a season, will be. The law of attraction says that we bring into our lives the kinds of situations that we focus on, and the type of people that mirror us. Just like in any relationship, I want to attract loyal, loving, inspiring, creative, and Godly people into my life as friends. I’m gonna continue to practice self care, reading, writing, praying… just the stuff that helps to make me a better person. You know, doing the necessary work. So when it comes to any new friends in my life, they definitely must be like me…only ride or dies need apply.
As always love, until our next encounter…stay inspired
Photos: @breatheinmoments
Love this! You are so right. It’s even harder to make new friends after forty in a NEW city. Sometimes you find yourself trying too hard to connect without being that person who is trying to insert herself in other “girlfriend” circles. I even got “ghosted” by a meet-up group (I’m not even sure what I did?). Oh well, God takes people out of your life for a reason. I quickly realized I need to look for quality over quantity.
Hey Erica! As you might know, people can be very fickle. That new city thing definitely makes it extra scary, I’ve never had that experience. I’m also focused on quality over quantity now..thank God! Thanks for stopping by hun.:)
It’s definitely hard to make and maintain friends at any age. I’m married with four kids and just turned forty and still find it hard to connect with other women married or single. I did some digging and realized that it’s because we do not have shared interests. Most of my Mommy friends want to hang out and talk about spouses and kids and that bores me out a lot.
I want to talk about blogging, fashion, photography and make-up and especially blogging….but my friends can never relate so we all just keep the friendship light hearted. I can tell they get a bit bored when I am taking pictures or doing insta stories at an event though I try to be respectful of them and keep it at a minimal 😅
Now, I know I just need to hang out more with ladies that share the same interest and hobbies as I do 😆
Great Post.
Hi Beauty!
Thanks for sharing your experience. So you too know the struggle with trying to share your excitement about blogging and fashion with people that are not that interested…lol. You’re absolutely right about connected with more like minded women. Thats the goal. 😉
I am nearly 51 and am blessed to
have reconnected with some high school classmates that have become great friends. Unfortunately all of them live in my hometown vs where I am. Luckily I have a few good 45+ friends here bit would love to find more since I moved to a new town a few years back.
Hi Sandra!
Thanks for stopping by. I would love to connect with old friends, thats a blessing. I know I’m responding late to your comment, but I would love to know where your from.
xoxo
Hey Elaine. Wino Gumbi here. I have enjoyed reading this article. It is definitely hard making friends after 40,single or married. I assume it is harder post divorce because as you say,some shared friends just found you guys cool together so they abracadabra.
Am 43 and Married. Interesting,i attract more single ladies. In fact i love the positivity and energy single ladies have. But my 2 best friends are friends i made in college and we have stuck together.Both are single.
I think friendship requires time and commitment.I think at 40 plus,one focuses more on themselves and are not willing to sacrifice energy for people. As we age,we also pick fakeness from a distance and sincerely just do not accommodate negativity and fake people.You know real people are rare.So we keep few solid real reliable friends.